Flirting With Deaf Girls

A cute girl walked into the store today. At first I was kind of put off by her, she ignored me when I said hello and wouldn’t look up when I asked if she needed help. I thought 1) she’s extremely dumb and can’t browse and hear at the same time or 2) she’s a bitch. On my way to the backroom to get a drink, I walked up and startled her as I passed by. When I came back out she looked at me and made a rectangle in the air followed by a scribbling gesture with her fingers. Then it all made sense. She’s deaf you asshole.

We shared a pen, taking turns writing back and forth to each other. She didn’t write in complete sentences. It was sparse; I don’t think English was her native language. By the time we finished our conversation it covered both sides of the 8?x11? paper. She wanted to place herself into one of the prints we had. She could scan all the photos at her work but needed someone with decent Photoshop skills to paste her body into the poster then have the final image printed. I explained to her that it’s not a service that we normally offer but I might be able to help her. After I wrote that I immediately thought, “Austin you’re such a godamn pussy.” You see I got a soft spot for cute girls and people that lack all five senses. If Jessica Alba walked up to me and asked if she could rub Tabasco sauce in my eyes then punch me in the face, I’d tell her no. But if she came up to me with the same question holding a walking stick and wearing sunglasses I just might start reaching for the fridge door. But it was too late, my answer was written right in front of her and it’s not like I could just erase it, look at her and shrug.

As I was writing back and forth with her I started getting nervous when I realized how important the aesthetics of writing is to her. I was thinking to myself, “God, look at your nails they’re so dirty…You know, it wouldn’t hurt to put a little lotion on your hands in the morning…Don’t do this! Not now man. You know godamn well there’s no ‘a’ in ’service’…What is this chicken scratch? I recall you being the 1st runner up in the 1990 Orange County School District penmanship contest. Damn, you fell off son…”

If you can’t win them over with your looks, you got to get them with your charm and wit. But I learned it’s near next to impossible to do this when you’re having a written conversation. Being witty means having the ability to speak humorously on your toes. But your toes start cramping up when you consider it takes the average person 10 seconds to write a sentence. After the other person makes a remark you’ve got a window of about 3 seconds to say something witty. Anything longer than that can be devastating because there’s a fine line between being witty and being a weirdo.

She’s supposed to come back in a few days with her photo. I think I’ll be ready for her by then. Maybe get myself a manicure, wear mitts filled with lotion when I sleep. Should I go formal and wear a long sleeve shirt with nice cuff links or keep it casual with short sleeves? But that would mean I’d have to shave my wrist. Flirting with deaf girls isn’t easy.